That's Not What I Meant!
How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Your Relations with Others
Incredible! Eye-opener. NOW I GET IT!
If you were to tell me a tiny yellowed 20-year-old plus paperback that looks like it came from a B-rated garage sale would impact me in a hugely profound way, I would have laughed and not believed it at all. Then I might have humored you and bought it for a nickel and thrown it away when I got home.
Well I sure learned the lesson of the ages: Never judge a book by its cover!
Deborah Tannen presents an incredible and insightful objective analysis of the subtle nuances of "linguistics". Linguistics is the "firewood" of speech communication. I never, ever, realized the peculiar mechanics behind a "normal" conversation, much less a conversation that deteriorates into a major misunderstanding or conflict. This book stands at the gateway as an incredibly informative toolkit that can be used to positively revolutionize communicating within any type of personal relationship.
The very instant I began understanding differences in communication styles and other mechanical aspects of communication, I was able to reclaim ground lost to arguments, mistrust, fear, and anger. This book gave me a full toolbox to not only repair broken communication, but to also adapt my conversation style to effectively speak and listen in situations and with people I never thought I could be possible. I don't have to change the world to get them to understand me, I learn how to change me and the way I present myself to the world. And miraculously, the world understands.
Just as an example, imagine that you and your spouse have been at odds about something very important to you. Instead of insisting that there's something wrong with her or him, and struggling to make the point over and over so they understand, you were able to reach into a toolbox and pull out a wrench, make a few adjustments, then suddenly it's like talking to a different person. That's how profound conversational style can effect another person. Here's the irony: if you think the loose screws were in your spouse's head, better think again. You use these wrenches on your own loose screws.
I approached a conversational topic with a loved one that had been like dropping a lit match into a box of roman candles. Before I started this next conversation, I picked up a handy tool from Tanner's kit. An opportunity presented itself rather suddenly, and I "framed" my idea with three simple words "I'm being direct". The worried expression literally fell from her face, she looked me dead in the eyes and said with a smile "OK." I paused and thought to myself "what just happened?" I had her undivided attention AND a SMILE. How hard can it be to talk about anything with a loved one who's smiling at you and giving you her undivided attention?
She listened attentively with her eyes square looking into mine, and I did just as I said. I was unquestionably direct. Not only did I get her approval, she became enthusiastic and eager to join me with this endeavor. My head was spinning. "Wait? Did I just hear you right?" was my first thought, but before I could say anything else, she had my hand and was pulling me out of my chair to start moving with my idea.
This book is amazing. Not only has it drastically improved my communication ability, it's also enhanced my observations and "feelings" about the state of mind of the person I choose to talk with. It allows me to make small adjustments to keep communication forthright and on target.
If you've ever spoken the title of this book in exasperation, you need to read it!
April 7, 2010
By Joseph Paul
A Must-Read for Anyone
Is a must read for anyone, whether you are gregarious and get along with everyone or if you are constantly at the center of disagreements.
This isn't a how to book to solve all your conversational woes. Honestly, I would never expect something so simple as a step-by-step guide for something as complex as conversation. Considering that, Deborah Tannen does an excellent job of showing just how complex a simple conversation can be and how things can go wrong despite everyone's best intentions.
This is the only one of Deborah Tannen's books that I have read. And it is the perfect mix of all relevant conversations that most people encounter in their lives. From talking with teenagers to business conversations to gripes from long-time spouses.
The result of reading this book has especially helped me feel more comfortable about my conversation skills. Before I read this book, I thought I was the only one that was no good at getting my intentions across clearly, but now that I have learned that confusion is inevitable I finally believe everyone that has said that I'm actually pretty normal and surprisingly flexible in my style (most likely because I was so hard on myself before). It also gave me some ideas on how to better get along with some of the people that I previously thought were too pushy or quiet etc.
I just finished this book for the first time(I'm planning on reading it again) and I am still absorbing much of the content. But I already feel as if I have gained a new understanding of the past misconceptions-turned-verbal-fights that I have had with friends and family. I'm planning on giving it to my parent's to read (their conversational styles are very different and they get into a lot of needless bickering matches because of it).
I think this book is a great step into metacognition (thinking about thinking) and becoming more introspective (Looking inside yourself) for the purpose of being conscious of things that are subconscious and that you take for granted.
April 25, 2009
By K. Buitron
The focus of this book is right where it should be!
This book does indeed have a narrow focus, but the subject of that focus--interpersonal communication--has far reaching implications in any type of human relationship. As was correctly stated by a previous reviewer, relationships often suffer from a variety of different problems, ranging from differences in personal habits, to differences in values, to differences in religious views, but that is more or less a given in any relationship, especially one in which people share a domicile. However, it is how those relationship partners choose to "deal" with their inevitable differences "communicatively" that will determine the ultimate success or failure of their relationship. Do they choose to disagree or argue endlessly? Do they insult each other, or call each other names? Do they try to talk over each other,or become violent? Or do they approach each other in cooperative manner, open to each other's different ideas and viewpoints, with a willingness to learn from each other?
What Tannen does in this book is show how some of the common communication differences between men and women in relationships have their basis in fundamental differences in the way men and women perceive each other, and relationships in general. And furthermore, that these fundamental differences, often hidden below the surface, can have profound, and often negative, effects on all kinds of relationships throughout a person's life, unless they are brought into the light of day. In effect, what Tannen is trying to do is to get people to be more aware of how they "habitually" communicate, the possible reasons why they communicate in those ways, and how the things they say and do may affect others. In effect, her goal is to empower people to begin--perhaps for the first time in their lives--to really "choose" how they communicate in relationships--rather than being a slave to destructive habits relied on since childhood. I strongly recommend this book for both men and women in ongoing close relationships. Once you have read it, you will never see communication in your relationships in quite the same way.
February 10, 2000
By Robert W. Martin
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